Where is my mind?

I am seriously going bonkers. I was on the train today coming back home. I got off the subway and thought that I should just run home as quickly as I could. I knew that no one was following me or anything but it felt like someone could have been. I don't know.

There have been a few other things that have happened that make me suspicious, too. Maybe I really am Tyler Durden or something. They are just little things but I really don't remember doing them. One night I came home and there were books on my table. I don't remember putting them there. Today, I went into the bathroom and the windows were closed. I didn't close the windows. Did I? Why would I have closed the windows?

I really can't sleep either. I bought some sleeping pills on Sunday night at the height of my loopiness. I could've had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of E-Mart. First, I was sure that they would be closed and I would be doomed to have another sleepless night. It was open though. So I thought for sure the only reason they were open was because they weren't selling what I wanted. I'd gone to 7/11 earlier in the day, well night. I looked along the shelves and saw nothing. Then I managed to communicate to the cashier that I couldn't sleep. Of course, she had no idea why I was telling her this random bit of information. Anyways, I wandered desperately around E-Mart for much too long and then decided to go upstairs. There was a pharmacy. I bought some sleeping pills. They were only 1000 won or $1 US. Kind of disturbing how cheap they were. I also saw one of my students there. His mom tried to help me once there was nothing left for me to understand really but nice all the same. The kid made no kind of signs that he recognized me. Maybe he didn't want to converse with me in English or he wasn't one of my students or maybe a complete hallucination.

I've taken sleeping pills the past 2 nights. The first time I managed to sleep for like 9 hours. Unbelievable really. That's like a week's worth of sleep in one evening. Ok, maybe only 2-3 nights but still, and that part really isn't an exageration. I still felt groggy for a bit after I woke up. I thought maybe last night would've been better. It wasn't really. I woke up and felt awful and had to teach. Awful. Then I went off the Korean class. I hadn't been there in a week since my job and screwed me over on my breaks. Oh Tuesday's presentation was moved to Wednesday. Thanks for letting me know 20 minutes after it was supposed to have started. Why do I have to ask explicitly if the presentation is at the time indicated on the calendar? Then Thursday I had to stay to make tests. I only managed to stay for one hour today. I was so out of it. I couldn't concentrate. I didn't know what they were saying. I might've stayed but the prospect of teaching for 3 hours (thank god Columbia isn't around this month) without any kind of rest scared me so I left. I didn't get much of a break though. I didn't want to be in my sweltering apartment and I certainly didn't want to hang around the school. Came home and wasted time. I've hardly said anything to my co-workers. My perma-scowl and auditory barrier (earphones) keep them from initiating conversations with me, not that they would. I wonder what I look like to them. I swear I must look like I'm on the verge of strangling someone. I'm so anti-social. I don't even walk slowly to the paper recycle. I do my speedy airport style walks. I love walking through airports alone.

I wasn't even at work for very long today before I felt drained. It probably had to do with my sleeping pills. I feel like I am either completely inert or totally wired. I can't be in between anymore. I need to get some sleep. Real sleep. Not drug-induced or drug-facilitated at least. Maybe it's all from the massive amounts of drugs I've been doing. You know, caffeine, alcohol, and recently sleeping pills. They aren't even very big only 25mg. I kind of felt happy yesterday. I was even listening to Barenaked Ladies. Old school though. Well, I don't know early 90s. Enid. "I can get a job, I can pay the phone bill, I can cut the lawn, cut my hair, cut down my cholesterol, I can work in a mine, I can work overtime, I can do it all for you...... But I don't want to." I love that part. I even ran down the escalator so I could go up the stairs instead. I hate escalators. They aren't rides people. They aren't even wide enough to walk around people. I had energy yesterday where did it go. I took a sleeping pill the night before so it can't be the pill that killed it.

I'm really dreading tomorrow. I could barely manage 4 classes this afternoon. Tomorrow I get to have 6 in the afternoon and an extra kindy class. I really hate Wednesdays.

I feel so out of it. Where am I? Can it really be August? Have I been here this long? Can people see me? Am I a real person? What is real? I just don't know anymore. People come and read this but no one ever leaves any comments. Maybe I'm the only one who's real. That can't be right. Some Korean woman yelled Ajosshi at me today and seem surprised that I didn't understand her question or maybe just upset that she couldn't get an answer to whatever it was she said. I wonder if she really thought I'd be able to speak Korean. I guess some people can see me and assume I am a fluent Korean speaker.

I'd really like to spend more time learning Korean. It's just so hard....to find time and energy that is. I could be wowing people if it weren't for my soul-sucking job. I'm really going to quit on Monday. 40 days before my 6 month mark meaning I don't need to repay airfare. Doing a midnight run would be kind of exhilirating but I could and would never do that. Well, I suppose everyone has his or her limits. If only I could sleep or remember where I put that brain that of mine.