Sleepless, dreamless nights

It feels like a very long time since I wrote anything. I'm on a two hour break from school. Well it should be like 3.5 hours but I have to go back to work for a useless presentation at 2. Let's see I had some bad wine on Friday night and didn't do all that much. Saturday, I kind of slept, I think. I laid in bed most of the day at least. The past 2 nights that seems like all sleep is. Saturday night, I ended up having a pretty good time. I went out with friend's of a girl that Alex had met a few weeks ago. It turns out that actually work close to where my old school was. These things always happen to me. They are still the closest people I know. Hopefully, I'll end up doing a few things with them. We'll see. It was basically another Saturday spent boozing. We went dancing, too which I seem to enjoy a whole lot more than I used to. I don't know why that would be. I didn't get home until after 6. I also repeated my wine+fish equation that night. The exact same meal and the same cream pea soup that I did not touch.

It was nice to meet some other teachers who didn't have great jobs either. They don't have AC either and they live far from the centre of town. At least I don't need to take a taxi to the subway stop. That is the only thing that I like about my apartment. I seriously can't imagine what it is like to have an actual table or chair. I also don't have a balcony so I need to dry my clothes in my bedroom which basically halves the amount of floor space. Speaking of which.....I'll hang those up later. So we complained about work for awhile and I basically trumped them on every level. So wait a minute, you don't have a split shift and you don't have to do phone teaching, you have a bed, a balcony, a table with chairs. I'm getting so sick of work. I was dying to leave this morning and I only had an hour and a half worth of classes. I don't think I smiled at all. Well maybe my small phony one that makes the kids think I care about what they have to say. That's not that fair really. I usually care but today I couldn't have cared less what their favourite animals were. PE class and then science is an exhausting combo. The kids are so hyped up and I had no energy at all. I let them do whatever for PE class. They take the balls and pretend they are dinosaurs eggs. Ok, go with it kids. I'm most definitely not looking forward to the rest of today. At least I only have 4 classes this afternoon instead of 6. Of course, I have this presentation and an equally mind numbing staff meeting.

I thought I would be doing a lot of yelling yesterday. I went to bed at 12:55 and just alternated between sides of the bed for about 6 hours or so. Then at the point of sheer exhaustion I manage to fall asleep and then have my alarm ring almost immediately. I managed to make it through the day ok. Well, much better than I thought I would do. It wasn't great. At least, I don't have to exert much energy in terms of classroom control by the end of the day. Well, one class is good and the other I let get away with anything because frankly, they don't understand most of what I say and I'm less than useless by that point in the day. I don't know how I made phrases like: Is this your suitcase? No, it's not. It's hers. Last for like 20 minute but somehow I did. Then I had them make pictures and a few sentences about what they did yesterday. Of course, they draw stuff like warthogs and scenes from Starcraft. I don't care. I've told the director about that class.

I know that all I seem to do is complain about work but honestly most of the week, my life consists of nothing but work. Yesterday, there was a new girl in my kindergarten class. Did I find out the typical 2 seconds before class? Nope, not yesterday. She just came into the class. Kate says this is Amy. Uh, ok. I did get a warning from Kate that Amy was coming to class on Monday last week. Of course, when they try to tell me complex things I don't usually have a clue what they are trying to say. I'd worked it out but thought that someone besides a student would tell me when someone was starting class. I mean if Kate knew last week, who knows how long the school had the opportunity to share this piece of information with me. Luckily, it's August and Erica and Karen are taking the month off. Come next month though, I will have 9 kids in that class. They were the biggest class I had with 8. I don't know how I will be able to control 9 kids. At least, it's 6 girls I guess. I couldn't even imagine the trouble I'd have with another boy.

Then I saw on the calendar that there is another speech contest in a couple weeks. I thought those things were done with a long time ago. I guess not. Then of course, it has to be on a Sunday. I wish it were at 4pm or later but of course it will be 11 or something and I need to be there 3 hours early. I really don't understand why they give us one long weekend and then take another day away from us. I was thinking about pretending I had plans that weekend. It was only put on the calendar yesterday and it was never even mentioned to me before. I mean really, if you want me to sacrifice a weekend you have to give me at least a month to mentally prepare for it. Then unlike the last speech contest I can't even enjoy the night because I have to work the next day. We'll see how the rest of the day goes as to whether I just take over the staff meeting about how we are never told anything. Depends if my day leans more towards angry frustration or slow withdrawal of my last remaining bit of energy. Anger seems to be one of the few things that motivate me these days, that and trying to screw over my boss.

I would be much more obliging if I had any kind of sleep. I was thinking of some word but I've forgotten it. Something to do with satisfying my daily needs like sleep and food and making me more complacent at work. Maybe I'll remember what word it was. I thought I would get some sleep last night since I didn't get any the night before. It didn't really feel that way of course. Oh, another thing about yesterday. I thought that it hadn't gone that badly and then realized it was only Monday. I haven't been this tired in a number of weeks and this is my first full week at work for about 3. Given my 2 half weeks of work to accomodate the fucked up vacation schedule. I can't believe it's only halfway through Tuesday, and not even that. Anyways, I didn't sleep well last night and woke up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. I don't know how that's possible. I can understand it when you first wake up but once your mind adjusts to being awake you should feel at least kind of rested. It was even colder in my apartment than it has been in awhile. 32. I even exercised yesterday. I can't even sleep on the weekends. I came home at 6am pretty skunky drunk. At least the alcohol made my sleep continuous but I still woke up around 11. Then I pretended to sleep for several hours. Maybe I've just to reconcile the fact that my brain will never sleep again. I can lay there and do a pretty good impression of someone sleeping in terms of breathing and what not but I'm still aware of all the noise, heat, and light. I can't believe that they'd move me into an apartment with no barriers to light (bought some curtains) or heat(I even had to buy my own garbage can), and expect me to be satisfied. Plus this week is test week and evaluations and phone teaching. Something is bound to happen. If you hear of a triple homicide or anything in Daegu next week, yes, that was probably me.

Maybe I will make some protest art and slogans to hand at my workstation. Heaven knows, I won't be able to sleep. Which reminds of some lyrics that seem to really be applicable to my life at the moment.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
-The Smiths

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die ?

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die ?

What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed[not so much this part]

Oh, you’ve been in the house too long she said
And I (naturally) fled

In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I’d much rather kick in the eye ?

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now

Oh, you’ve been in the house too long she said
And I (naturally) fled

In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
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Not really anything insightful or interesting. What can I say? My brain has turned to mush. I'm in a walking coma.